A Blues for love jones

The 90's were an epic time period to be black.  Black entertainment was at an all time high.  The music was awesome, the movies were great, and the soundtracks to the movies were even better.  To be honest, I am still stuck in the 90's.  Channel's like TVOne and Centric allow me to get my fix of all the popular black 90's shows.  Beside Scandal, I barely watch current television shows.  So here I am watching black television and I see an advertisement for the network premiere of "love jones".  I got a little excited.  I don't know anyone who doesn't love this movie.  In 1997, I was 16 years old.  I didn't see "love jones" in the theatre.  I don't think it appealed to me at the time.  I simply couldn't relate.  I did see it 2 years later in college.  I was older and deeper then so I was able to bond with the movie.  I don't think I have seen this movie in the last 2 years but I will tell you my 30 plus eyes actually see the movie a lot more different.
As I sit here and watch this film, I wonder why do we like this movie so much? Is it the actual depiction of adult relationships?  You know the back and forth: the together one day, and the next we're not;  the you broke my heart so I am going to hurt you too;  the terrible arguments followed by passionate sex.  As long as in the end, everything is alright and he says, "I love you. That's urgent like a @#!."More than likely, the answer is yes.  But now that I look at it with a different set of eyes, I believe that "love jones" may have set me up for failure when it comes to relationships.  I was fairly young and fresh out of my first love when I saw this movie.  That relationship of course was nothing like Darius and Nina's.  But really, did Darius and Nina make me believe that everything they went through in their relationship was normal and okay?  I believe they played their role.  Pop culture has a way of influencing the masses.  I mean, how many folks started doing poetry after this movie?  Don't front, I had a few pieces myself. LOL! But for real, Nina and Darius were completely dysfunctional and I thought that it was okay.  That's the way love goes.  Now believe me, I am very realistic and I know that relationships are far from perfect.  However, my relationship story will not be: we had so many ups and downs, breakups and makeups, spent months apart, but we came back together and we gon' make it!  That's something that my old butt has no time for...anymore.  I'm mad at Darius and Nina and "love jones".  But no worries, I will be right back in love and watching the movie the next time it comes on.  Isn't that the way love goes?

Truthfully yours,
Kayren

Late Post

Here's a Video I recorded back in November and never posted

Truthfully Yours,
Kayren

Sunday FUNday

On yesterday, I turned 32 years old.  And while there is usually a big "to do" about my birthday, I decided this year would be a little easier.  No birthday soiree with fancy clothes and food.  No bottle popping in the club.  This year I invited folks to church and brunch.  If you know me, you know that I live for Sundays! It's a day of fellowship, friends, and family.  I have always felt this way.  Yesterday was the perfect Sunday; my ideal.

I sat at the head of the table at brunch and looked down.  Sitting at the table were friends and family who had come together to celebrate me.  They sat next to and across from each other holding conversations about whatever.  Suddenly for me, all noise in the busy restaurant had ceased and all I could see is the delight and laughter on their faces.  In that moment I saw God's love for me.  He has blessed me with the most caring, thoughtful, and understanding people.  People who have been there for me when I have needed them the most.  These wonderful people were here for me.  And just as sudden as the moment came, it left.  I could hear again.  I made sure that I captured a few shots of them.  As I looked at the shots today, the pictures I took are no comparison to the ones I have etched in my memory's museum.  Those are the one's that I will look to when I am feeling sad and lonely.  Those are the ones that will bring a smile to my face when I am old in my rocking chair.  Those are the ones that I will hold on.  A picture may be worth a thousand words, but the memory of yesterday is worth a thousand years!  When the restaurant brought out my cupcake with the candle I did something different this year.  Instead of a wish for myself, I said a prayer for everyone around me because really, they are all a girl could wish for.  On yesterday, I turned 32 years old...

Truthfully Yours,

Kayren

Stayed tuned for my 32 for 32 video later this week!

The New Normal

It's an icy day here in Dallas.  School/work has been cancelled.  The roads are iced over and the grocery store shelves are empty.  And that's the only thing that is not empty.  So is my bed.  The thing is, I am not single.  Posts on Facebook indicate that people are either tired of their kids or keeping warm, drinking wine, eating icy weather meals with their boo.  And I am just over here reading Facebook status'.  I did work out and make some warm weather comfort food, but the end of the night leaves me to miss my significant other.  This is when I am faced with the new normal.  Honey and I have been dating a year and we are abstaining from sex.  I may have mentioned this before.  This, along with our living situations, makes our relationship very unique for the time.  We only see each other on the weekends due to distance and we do not spend the night with each other.  This is all fine and great but sometimes, a girl just wants to be held.  With ice on the ground, we are stuck away from each other and I am struggling.  The things that I am used to in a relationship are nonexistent in this one.  I have a new normal.  It's kind of equivalent to being in a relationship in high school.  I appreciate the innocence and pureness of our relationship.  We are truly getting to know each other without sex around to cloud our judgement.  You don't typically find that these days.  However, the sexual energy causes its own conflict.  And the fact that I just want to be cuddled up with my boyfriend on an icy day is extremely frustrating.  I almost feel single.  But I am not.  Truth is, I have a great guy that is willing to wait.  I just have to keep my eyes on the bigger picture.  The reward in the end will be great.  I blame the idle mind of cabin fever.  Either way, I figured it would be best to write out my frustrations.  Writing always allows me to get out of myself and then see the bigger picture.  My new normal is our new normal.  And until that normal changes I got my teddy bear to cuddle with...I guess.

Until next time,
Truthfully Kayren

Crossroads...

It was all good just three months ago.  I was fresh off of summer break ready to educate the youth at a new school in a new district.  I felt good about my life, my love life was still fresh and new.  My relationship with God was blossoming.  I was becoming more involved in church, and learning to have a voice for Him.  This was just three months ago!  But this week...Lord, this week...

The job in the new district that I was excited about; I low key hate it.  But dare I hate something that I asked God for?  Trust me, I know what it is like not to have a job and I am grateful to be employed.  But truthfully, Kayren is struggling.  I am struggling to believe the children are our future (without proper support from the current generation).  My Superwoman cape is slowly tattering as I feel a little defeated in the task at hand.  But my woes with the education system is not what this is about.  It's about what my woes represent.  If I am not happy in the classroom, then what Kayren will you be happy doing?

This week was odd for me.  I was downtrodden and my soul was downcast.  Being unhappy at work, just completely messed up my thoughts.  It affected my relationship.  I was moody and all I wanted to do was sleep.  This weekend I wanted to spend time and pinpoint exactly what it is that is making me feel this way.  At a dinner conversation with my beau, it came to me.  I am about to turn 32 and truthfully I feel unaccomplished.  I am about turn 32 and I am considering a career change.  I'm a little too old for all of this right?  I am 32 and technically I am a single woman (and technically means how the government classifies me).  What is my contribution in life right now?  And most importantly, again, what will I be happy doing?

Well, after a powerful sermon at church (Lamentations 3:18-24) and conversations with my loved ones, I feel better.  The situation hasn't changed but right now I am relying on what God has done in my life to encourage me to believe in the things he will do.  As things begin to unfold and manifest themselves, I welcome you on this journey with me.  Right now I am looking to my dreams and turning an ear to God so that I can get direction.  I welcome your encouragement, thoughts, and prayers on this journey.  That's all for tonight.  Thank you for allowing me to be...

Truthfully Kayren

The Case of the Dinner Plate

Truthfully yours... Kayren F

The Annual Ex-A-Thon

All my exes love me!  No really it's true.  They love me so much that they call me annually and try to meet up for dinner and/or lunch, to catch up on old times, but most importantly to see if I am still single.  Never mind the fact that they have been in relationships and sometimes marriages, Kayren is always expected to stay single.  Well this time around, they are getting a different response.  The kid (me) is no longer single and no longer has time for that.  However, any 'relationship' between an ex and myself after the fact has always been platonic.  I don't typically go back when I declare that it's over.  Lunch or dinner is typically just that.  Even in past relationships, I admit I may have tipped out for a lunch or dinner meeting with an ex.  No harm right? Wrong!  The fact that I 'tipped' out means I was doing something wrong...dooming my relationship by adding secrets.  In my quest for becoming a big girl, I realize that although the behavior may be completely honest to me, it ain't always so.  Deep down inside, if the roles were reversed, I would be livid.  Truth of the matter is, I am trying to build something here.  And the truth starts within me.  I have to make the decision to be open and honest with not only myself but my mate.  I used to always keep one eye open for the next catch...something better.  But I have learned that the attitude of greed will keep me bouncing from boo to boo and never satisfied.  The better starts with me and how I love and show love. And reflecting on my past, I only showed a lot of love to myself.  So I am sure my exes would love to have dinner with the woman I have become now.  But at this time I can't give them the opportunity to meet her.  The grass in my own yard is green and I am laying happily in the pasture. 

Ladies:  Do you experience Annual Ex-a-thon?

Truthfully Yours,
Kayren F

Abstinence and the Grape Cigarillo

The struggle is real... But I am all for it.

Truthfully yours,
Kayren F

Church Notes: Little Big Faith

I visited the Mister's church this past Sunday but here are the notes from the final part of the BIG Faith series by Rev. Bryan L. Carter of Concord Church courtesy of Chadwick McMillan. Thanks Chad!

Little Big Faith.   
Matthew 17:14-20

1. My faith can limit The Lord's work
  -going through the motions is simply not enough
  - if you don't believe god's gonna do it, don't ask him for it

2. My faith may be little but it can do a lot.
 - don't reduce the size of God....in other words, don't make your problems bigger than your God
 - have little faith in a BIG GOD anything is possible
- Mountains are represented in a figurative sense (not literal)...We have the power to move Mountains (problems) out of our life...
 - we must make a conscious choice for this kind of faith(Big Faith)..we must believe it before we see it.
- if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, nothing will be Impossible

3. my faith can have unlimited possibilities
- you have to believe God can do it.
- I have to believe I can make it through it.

You Gotta Have Faith

One of the many reasons I wanted to create this blog, is because I wanted to have a forum for my notes I take at church. A while back I would post them via twitter and while I thought no one read them, it turns out that people did. Well the Youversion app started to tweet out defunct links and I couldn't send them out anymore. I still take notes faithfully and now I can share them with you on here! Yay! Right now my church, Concord Church, is in the final stages of the BIG Faith series by our Pastor, Bryan L. Carter. And boy has this series touched my spirit. The notes I take have no comparison to the spirit that spoke those words but I must share them. Here they are in order:

BIG Faith

Matthew 8:5-13

Part 1 of the BIG faith series by Rev. Bryan L. Carter, Concord Church, Dallas, TX 

What is faith?

Faith is believing God for better no matter what your now is. In these verses we get an example of big faith. We use this example to help us get through the problems we have. 

BIG faith always races to Jesus for help. The Centurion is a man of significance but he comes to Jesus on behalf of his sick servant. He races to tell Jesus. Faith shows up when you realize how limited we are. We have to run to Jesus. We will run out but Jesus does not. 

BIG faith relies totally and fully on Jesus. (V.7-9) Jesus hears the Centurion and heads to his house. The Centurion says that he is not worthy, he humbles himself. Humility is where big faith shows up. When you realize that God has already done enough, you acknowledge that you are not worthy. He had such faith he believed that if Jesus just spoke, his servant would be healed. Jesus location does not matter. Big faith is when you believe it and he hasn't done anything yet. 

(V.11-12) the people that look like they have faith will be put out and those that have faith will be in the kingdom. We should always be in awe of God. 

BIG faith receives rave reviews from Jesus. The scripture says that Jesus was amazed. How do you amaze Jesus? With faith. Without faith it's impossible...Wow Jesus with your faith. He's amazed when you trust God. V.13- Jesus said that it would be done. BIG faith comes through every time.

Tested Faith 

James 1:2-4

Pt. 2 in the Big Faith series by Rev. Bryan L. Carter, Concord Church, Dallas, TX

What do you do when your faith is tested?

When my faith is tested I need to grab ahold of joy. (v.2)

• Joy is a confidence that God is in control of everything for the believer's good and His glory. James says its not a pity party. Joy and happiness are not the same thing. Joy is when you have a faith in God that your trial is for good. Joy does not mean you do not go through pain. After you cry, complain, etc. joy is still there. Count it ALL joy!! Life is a mixture of joy and grief. 

When my faith is tested, I need to give God room. (v. 3)

•When I am being tested, I am being refined. Tested means to be refined with no impurities. Just like gold is refined, God will put us in the fire to get rid of the impurities. Like the goldsmith, He has to take us out and check on us. He will not leave us in the fire. There's just some stuff he needs to get off of us i.e. friends, greed, etc. Testing produces perseverance. 

•When I persevere, I am successfully carrying a heavy load for a long time. My trials are designed to produce perseverance. the Bible celebrates perseverance. 

When my faith is tested, I need to get ready to grow. (v. 4) Let the perseverance finish its work. When it comes to God you can't opt out of a trial. If you don't face it, you will be immature your whole life. Some stuff you just have to hang in there. In the end you will be mature and complete. 

Just like the goldsmith that refines the gold who takes the gold out the fire and sees his reflection to know its pure, in the end you will look like Him.

Faith Over Fear 

Matthew 8: 23-27

Part 3 of the BIG Faith series by Rev. Bryan L. Carter, Concord Church, Dallas, TX

•While following Jesus, storms can show up suddenly. (v.23-24) while the disciples were on the boat when a severe storm showed up. In our own journey, storms can show up by surprise. Whether it be unemployment, financial, emotional, or family. Jesus was sleeping with the storm was happening. We may feel like Jesus is sleeping during our trials as well. 

•When storms come, my worst choice is fear. (v.25-26) Fear overwhelmed the disciples, they began to panic. They decide to wake up Jesus and he questions why they have little faith. Whenever you fear: you've made your problems so big that you've made your God small. You get so consumed with what could happen. The disciples said they were going to drown and die. We always think the worst. But fear is the worst thing to do. Fear is always contagious. We spread it to others. What are you afraid of? God has not given us the spirit of fear. Fear will make you do NOTHING. When Jesus awakes he talks to his people first. He puts their heart in the right place. The storm is big but their faith is too small. The bigger the storm, the bigger the faith you must have. 

•When storms come, my best choice is faith. (26b-27). Fear is the worst choice, faith is my best choice. Jesus gets up and rebukes the wind and the waves. They immediately calm. Jesus not only spoke to the storms, he spoke to the side effects of the storms. The wind and waves go completely calm. 

Choosing faith is to actively trust in the person that Christ is and not our problems. The disciples needed not to focus on the storm but trust that because Jesus was in their boat they were fine. Jesus said they were going to the other side so they should have known they would make it to the other side.Who is Jesus? We learn who he is by the things that we go through. We know what he can do. 

Choosing faith is to actively rest in Christ over my need for control. What should have the disciples done during the storm? They should have slept. We must learn the power of the pillow. Rest in the promises of God. Learn to find peace in whatever he decides to do. "Be still and know that I am God." Sit at the feet of Jesus. Talk to him in prayer. In the end we will say just like disciples and say: What kind of man is this that has saved me?

Truthfully Me!

Hello and thank you for taking the time out to hear what I have to say! The video is just an introduction to me and my plans for the blog! Hope you enjoy! More to come.

Truthfully yours,
Kay Ren F. :-)