Letter to My Girls

I love Girlfriends. If Joan, Toni, Maya, and Lynn appear on my TV guide, you better believe I'm watching. I treasure friendships and I enjoy when Hollywood depicts them genuinely (my favorite movie is The Wood). I like to see myself along with my friends in the characters, determine who would be who. Geeky I know, but I love it. Watching Girlfriends during my summer hiatus makes me a little sad though. As much as I love it, it's totally fictitious. Here are these 4 friends who are always together whether it be for lunch, happy hour, or just at the house. All women, except Lynn, have careers and Maya manages to always be around even with a husband and a kid. How in the world is that possible?! How does this make me sad? I'll tell you!
I miss my girlfriends! We are the same age as Akil's characters but we don't even kick it like that. Who would have thought that we'd go from being together constantly, partying together, taking road trips, meeting at IHOP weekly, living together, and talking daily to the lives we have today? I know... it's the natural progression of life. We have careers (very busy ones), distances, new friends, and significant others that keep us away. Our checkins consist of group texts here and there, traffic conversations, and planned brunch/lunch/dinners. I don't see how Joan and nem managed.
But anyway, all this leads me to say: I miss you.  Although days and weeks can go by without word, I think about you often. I think about our inside jokes and sayings. I think about what you would say if I needed some advice about anything. I think about our most fond memories. I thank you for being a wonderful girlfriend to me. A keeper of secrets, a voice of reasoning, a reader of bs, and a shield from shade. Yes we may bicker, but our foundation is strong. We foster new relationships with others, but there is none like you. Our relationship has meaning. I'm looking forward to our "The Wood" moments where we all meet up and reminisce about the past while looking boldly into the new phase of the future. You're forever my girlfriend. Oh...and I'm Toni by the way.

Love you like x-o,
Kayren

One on One Time

We've all heard it before: the quickest way to get over someone is to find someone else. I'm guilty. I once lived by that mantra. "Oh...he tripping? Well let me call such and such to see if he wants to go out." I'd spend an evening of dinner with Lame Lance drinking until my lips were numb so I could sleep good. Better than crying over the fact that something that didn't work right? Right?
There was a period of time in my life where where I'd consider myself a slightly cold piece of clay. Huh? Let me explain.  When I say cold, I don't mean ice cold without feelings, but I could do what I needed to do to avoid serious feelings. I wasn't the type that wouldn't shed a tear, I'd cry and be sad, but not for long. So that's why I say slightly cold. As far as the clay goes...I could easily mold into what someone wanted or expected me to be. But after years of this behavior, I realized that I did not know who I was. I had never taken the time to get to know me.
God got my attention after a horrible end to a relationship. I realized that I needed one on one time with myself and God as well. I wasn't sad after that relationship at all. I had a sense of relief. I took the time to discover who I was. I took myself out on dates, took long walks, and developed a pattern. I remember being at home on a Friday night and being perfectly fine with that. I remember saying no to dinner dates.  I remember spending time with my family. I remember thinking about what I really wanted in a mate and how I could compliment him. I surrounded myself with the wisdom of older Christian women and read self-help books. Before I knew it, over 6 months had passed and I was happy with myself. And I was confident enough in myself that I went out on a date with someone who didn't ask right off the bat.
I say all this to say that I think that it's important to spend time alone and discover yourself. I see too many women on Facebook complaining about ending a relationship one day and then a week or two down the line, they have a new boo. Dang girl...Spend some time alone, reject some of those gentlemen callers. You will know when the right one comes along. God will send you the truth only when you are honest with yourself.

Truthfully Yours,
Kayren

A Blues for love jones

The 90's were an epic time period to be black.  Black entertainment was at an all time high.  The music was awesome, the movies were great, and the soundtracks to the movies were even better.  To be honest, I am still stuck in the 90's.  Channel's like TVOne and Centric allow me to get my fix of all the popular black 90's shows.  Beside Scandal, I barely watch current television shows.  So here I am watching black television and I see an advertisement for the network premiere of "love jones".  I got a little excited.  I don't know anyone who doesn't love this movie.  In 1997, I was 16 years old.  I didn't see "love jones" in the theatre.  I don't think it appealed to me at the time.  I simply couldn't relate.  I did see it 2 years later in college.  I was older and deeper then so I was able to bond with the movie.  I don't think I have seen this movie in the last 2 years but I will tell you my 30 plus eyes actually see the movie a lot more different.
As I sit here and watch this film, I wonder why do we like this movie so much? Is it the actual depiction of adult relationships?  You know the back and forth: the together one day, and the next we're not;  the you broke my heart so I am going to hurt you too;  the terrible arguments followed by passionate sex.  As long as in the end, everything is alright and he says, "I love you. That's urgent like a @#!."More than likely, the answer is yes.  But now that I look at it with a different set of eyes, I believe that "love jones" may have set me up for failure when it comes to relationships.  I was fairly young and fresh out of my first love when I saw this movie.  That relationship of course was nothing like Darius and Nina's.  But really, did Darius and Nina make me believe that everything they went through in their relationship was normal and okay?  I believe they played their role.  Pop culture has a way of influencing the masses.  I mean, how many folks started doing poetry after this movie?  Don't front, I had a few pieces myself. LOL! But for real, Nina and Darius were completely dysfunctional and I thought that it was okay.  That's the way love goes.  Now believe me, I am very realistic and I know that relationships are far from perfect.  However, my relationship story will not be: we had so many ups and downs, breakups and makeups, spent months apart, but we came back together and we gon' make it!  That's something that my old butt has no time for...anymore.  I'm mad at Darius and Nina and "love jones".  But no worries, I will be right back in love and watching the movie the next time it comes on.  Isn't that the way love goes?

Truthfully yours,
Kayren

Late Post

Here's a Video I recorded back in November and never posted

Truthfully Yours,
Kayren

Sunday FUNday

On yesterday, I turned 32 years old.  And while there is usually a big "to do" about my birthday, I decided this year would be a little easier.  No birthday soiree with fancy clothes and food.  No bottle popping in the club.  This year I invited folks to church and brunch.  If you know me, you know that I live for Sundays! It's a day of fellowship, friends, and family.  I have always felt this way.  Yesterday was the perfect Sunday; my ideal.

I sat at the head of the table at brunch and looked down.  Sitting at the table were friends and family who had come together to celebrate me.  They sat next to and across from each other holding conversations about whatever.  Suddenly for me, all noise in the busy restaurant had ceased and all I could see is the delight and laughter on their faces.  In that moment I saw God's love for me.  He has blessed me with the most caring, thoughtful, and understanding people.  People who have been there for me when I have needed them the most.  These wonderful people were here for me.  And just as sudden as the moment came, it left.  I could hear again.  I made sure that I captured a few shots of them.  As I looked at the shots today, the pictures I took are no comparison to the ones I have etched in my memory's museum.  Those are the one's that I will look to when I am feeling sad and lonely.  Those are the ones that will bring a smile to my face when I am old in my rocking chair.  Those are the ones that I will hold on.  A picture may be worth a thousand words, but the memory of yesterday is worth a thousand years!  When the restaurant brought out my cupcake with the candle I did something different this year.  Instead of a wish for myself, I said a prayer for everyone around me because really, they are all a girl could wish for.  On yesterday, I turned 32 years old...

Truthfully Yours,

Kayren

Stayed tuned for my 32 for 32 video later this week!

The New Normal

It's an icy day here in Dallas.  School/work has been cancelled.  The roads are iced over and the grocery store shelves are empty.  And that's the only thing that is not empty.  So is my bed.  The thing is, I am not single.  Posts on Facebook indicate that people are either tired of their kids or keeping warm, drinking wine, eating icy weather meals with their boo.  And I am just over here reading Facebook status'.  I did work out and make some warm weather comfort food, but the end of the night leaves me to miss my significant other.  This is when I am faced with the new normal.  Honey and I have been dating a year and we are abstaining from sex.  I may have mentioned this before.  This, along with our living situations, makes our relationship very unique for the time.  We only see each other on the weekends due to distance and we do not spend the night with each other.  This is all fine and great but sometimes, a girl just wants to be held.  With ice on the ground, we are stuck away from each other and I am struggling.  The things that I am used to in a relationship are nonexistent in this one.  I have a new normal.  It's kind of equivalent to being in a relationship in high school.  I appreciate the innocence and pureness of our relationship.  We are truly getting to know each other without sex around to cloud our judgement.  You don't typically find that these days.  However, the sexual energy causes its own conflict.  And the fact that I just want to be cuddled up with my boyfriend on an icy day is extremely frustrating.  I almost feel single.  But I am not.  Truth is, I have a great guy that is willing to wait.  I just have to keep my eyes on the bigger picture.  The reward in the end will be great.  I blame the idle mind of cabin fever.  Either way, I figured it would be best to write out my frustrations.  Writing always allows me to get out of myself and then see the bigger picture.  My new normal is our new normal.  And until that normal changes I got my teddy bear to cuddle with...I guess.

Until next time,
Truthfully Kayren

Crossroads...

It was all good just three months ago.  I was fresh off of summer break ready to educate the youth at a new school in a new district.  I felt good about my life, my love life was still fresh and new.  My relationship with God was blossoming.  I was becoming more involved in church, and learning to have a voice for Him.  This was just three months ago!  But this week...Lord, this week...

The job in the new district that I was excited about; I low key hate it.  But dare I hate something that I asked God for?  Trust me, I know what it is like not to have a job and I am grateful to be employed.  But truthfully, Kayren is struggling.  I am struggling to believe the children are our future (without proper support from the current generation).  My Superwoman cape is slowly tattering as I feel a little defeated in the task at hand.  But my woes with the education system is not what this is about.  It's about what my woes represent.  If I am not happy in the classroom, then what Kayren will you be happy doing?

This week was odd for me.  I was downtrodden and my soul was downcast.  Being unhappy at work, just completely messed up my thoughts.  It affected my relationship.  I was moody and all I wanted to do was sleep.  This weekend I wanted to spend time and pinpoint exactly what it is that is making me feel this way.  At a dinner conversation with my beau, it came to me.  I am about to turn 32 and truthfully I feel unaccomplished.  I am about turn 32 and I am considering a career change.  I'm a little too old for all of this right?  I am 32 and technically I am a single woman (and technically means how the government classifies me).  What is my contribution in life right now?  And most importantly, again, what will I be happy doing?

Well, after a powerful sermon at church (Lamentations 3:18-24) and conversations with my loved ones, I feel better.  The situation hasn't changed but right now I am relying on what God has done in my life to encourage me to believe in the things he will do.  As things begin to unfold and manifest themselves, I welcome you on this journey with me.  Right now I am looking to my dreams and turning an ear to God so that I can get direction.  I welcome your encouragement, thoughts, and prayers on this journey.  That's all for tonight.  Thank you for allowing me to be...

Truthfully Kayren